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There's no more politically charged issue than how kids, or even adults, should learn about sex. We can't help but be amazed to the point of open-mouthed gaping when certain people masquerading as grown-ups preach that the right level of information for adolescents is, "Just Say No," with the possible addition of the scientific fact that any kind of sexual contact immediately produces (a) blindness, (b) infants, (c) AIDS, and (d) global warming, in more or less that order. Were these pedants ever teenagers, or did they just get spawned out of a pod as neuter worker-ants, aged 60 going on dead?

There is no force in the universe so powerful that it can prevent teenagers from getting horny and trying to collect some field data on human sexual behavior, and any rational approach to sex information had better acknowledge that fact, or it will be about as relevant to today's youth as old Rush albums.

An interesting and little known fact: Teenagers who've had sex education are actually more likely to postpone their first sexual encounter, and less likely to be involved in an unwanted pregnancy, than teenagers who haven't. We realize that this flies in the face of right-wing anti-sex-education propaganda that rants about how sex education will give kids nasty perverted ideas (yeah, right, like teenagers need to learn about sex in school to be curious about it). Gee, we're devastated.

The situation doesn't get much better as you get older, either. The torrent of information available to adults about sex these days would seem to be an embarrassment of riches, but closer examination reveals otherwise. Most of the books seem to be divided into a few well-understood categories; perhaps Office 97 shipped with templates for them:

1. The "Men and Women Are So Different You Might As Well Give Up Now" series. Although masquerading as the latest in sexual relationship technology, these are hardly an improvement over the late Victorian sex manuals, from which we inherit the delightful notion that, really, sex is all about guys. Guys get horny, guys need to be laid, guys need other women, guys guys guys. Women? They need guys, so they need to adapt to this strange alien mating dance. For another variation on this particular theme, there's always The Rules, a few dozen ways for women to avoid being soiled by rutting men. And this, the 21st century.

2. "The Good Housekeeping Guide to Sex." Now, we would never deny the pleasures of hearth and home, and we would never quarrel with the idea that sex, even really hot, rip up the sheets, get the neighbor to bang on the wall to cut it out, oops we knocked over the nightstand again sex can happen inside of a long-term, entirely monogamous marriage. But they do not follow one after the other as night after day. This category of sex information book treats the marriage bed as one more thing to be organized (and be sure to starch the dust ruffle), and building a sexual rapport with your partner is reduced to the level of building your 401(k) through payroll deductions.

3. "The Yenta on Steroids." Dr. Laura (she of the recently-published nude photos and suspiciously convenient incomplete conversion to Orthodox Judaism) is, of course, the grande dame of this approach. To read and listen to this school of thought, there are no real problems: there are just people who are too stupid to come in out of the rain. Sexual incompatibility? Problems staying faithful? Trust issues with your lover? "Oh, please. Just grow up and get over it." This advice is, of course, essentially useless, but it has the advantage of being simple and clear-cut, and for some people that's all they really need; they can't use the solution, but they sleep easier knowing that it's out there. And, of course, they enjoy hearing about all those other screwed-up people. The modern version of the circus sideshow proceeds to its next town.

The Guide to Getting It On The Cartoon Guide to Sex Art of Sexual Ecstasy: The Path of Sacred Sexuality for Western Lovers Sexual Ecstasy for Couples

So, what would be some good precepts about sex? How about these, for a start: All adults enjoy and benefit from sex, and thus there is no virtue in limiting it to married couples. Women and men have the same need and desire for sex, and both benefit equally from a healthy sex life. Sex is a natural pleasure, and can thus be a source of good and virtue. Straight-forward and modern, eh? Those are from Every Woman's Book, written in 1826 by Robert Carlile, a British radical and reformer. (He also had a bunch of wrong-headed and screwy ideas, such as raw mercury being good for you, so let's not deify him just yet.) It's sad that here we are, 175 years later, and we still can't seem to get agreement on those basic notions. So, what do we recommend for some good healthy sex advice? We realize this book is published by a competitor, but heck, it's still a great book (and it does give us a plug, so what's not to like?). The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex is a new edition of the wonderful reference book, from the store that invented the clean, well-lighted space for sex toys. This is probably the best general sex-reference book around, and it has excellent and useful advice on sex in relationships along with all the advice about toys and techniques. Another good general sex-ed book is The Guide to Getting It On. Written with a strong sense of humor and a healthy dose of common sense, it offers clearly written, non-judgemental advice about a wide range of sexual issues. The style is very chatty and readable, and although it does have a tendency to assume heterosexuality, it is geared towards readers of all genders and preferences. In the "and now for something completely different" department, there's The Cartoon Guide to Sex. No, really. It's not just laugh-out-loud hilarious (although it definitely is that); the ideas in it are wise, practical, accurate, clearly explained, and non-judgemental. And the cartoons, on topics ranging from animal biology to sex etiquette, are a scream, and definitely make the book a whole lot more accessible. If you're a parent looking for a sex book to give to your teenage kids, this is the one we'd recommend most enthusiastically. Tantric Sex has acquired some of the pop appeal of the fictitious "Venus Butterfly technique" from "LA Law" a few years ago: a mysterious, infallible technique to deliver ultimate sexual pleasure. The result has been a barrelful of really, really bad books (with oh-so-tasteful illustrations) showing that if you make love, uh, real tantric-like, you'll have uh, great tantric sex. Tantric sex is then presented as, well, like the kind of sex you have already, except described with a higher class of adjective. Not very practical in application, we must say. A book which talks about Tantra in a way that is neither patronizing nor packaged for supermarket appeal is Art of Sexual Ecstasy: The Path of Sacred Sexuality for Western Lovers. It's not preachy, not over-the-top New-age-y, and very practical. It's also a very pretty book, and gift-giving season is never really over, is it? A sexy and informative video on improving your sex life within a relationship, hosted by sex educator and all-around cool sexy gal Carol Queen, Sexual Ecstasy for Couples features intelligent discussions and lively, explicit demonstrations of sexual role playing, fantasy, mutual masturbation, sex toys, bondage games and introducing a third party into your sex play. It's not the most extreme or outrageous movie you'll ever see, and it's very het-oriented (all the couples are male-female, and all the three-ways are girl-girl-boy). But the sex is sweet and affectionate, and Carol's advice is as good and solid as always. If you prefer watching "real people" instead of porn stars and "real sex" instead of highly staged dramatic performances, this is a good choice. A fine couple's tape. For more choices, see our Resources and References Books and Documentary and Educational Videos pages.

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