The New Topping Book, or Getting Good at Being Bad

Consensual Sadomasochism

Bondage qua bondage is just getting tied up during sex. It doesn't necessarily mean submission (although there is some of that for many people) or powerlessness (although that idea of powerlessness is the kink for many people). For some, bondage is all about being reminded that it is OK just to lie back and be done, rather than having to constantly worry about reciprocating. For others, it's a way to give permission to have things done to one that would normally not be OK; Christophe had a particular lover who just didn't like to have her pussy eaten unless she was tied down and it "wasn't her fault," at which point she had orgasms like there was a sale on them. Go figure.

Since we love to give handy pointers, here are a set about bondage:

1. No means no.

If you are inexperienced about being tied up or tying someone up, do not go for the Snidely Whiplash, "Ah hah, my pretty, you are in my power!" angle right away. Talk. Communicate. Establish a set of guidelines and limits. Agree absolutely that the tied-down party will be released instantly upon request. (A lot of bondage enthusiasts like to agree ahead of time on a pre-established safeword that both/all parties understand to mean "Stop now," so they can enjoy the pleasures of crying "No, stop, don't" and still not have anything actually stop.) Consider starting with just ankles tied up in an interesting position, so you still have hands free to release yourself. And if you do not trust that your potential playmate will absolutely honor these limits, don't get tied up by him or her.

Remember, this is supposed to be fun, not a hipness contest. If being tied up doesn't appeal to you, or raises bad issues for you, don't get tied up. We won't give you a hard time about it, and you shouldn't take guff from anyone else.

2. Comfy?

Bondage does not imply pain. Any position that is uncomfortable at the start of being tied up will become agonizing within minutes; make sure that whatever your body is telling you about your limits is instantly respected. Neither party should be trying for macho (or macha) points here; if it doesn't feel good, don't do it.

3. Know your equipment.

There is nothing more frustrating than getting a partner all good and tied up, only to have one good yank rip a large piece out of the drywall the first time things get interesting (and believe me, that's an embarrassing way of losing your security deposit). Make sure that everything is anchored firmly; people can give very impressive yanks on restraints during moments of passion. To quote Bulkwinkle Moose, as long as we are in a Jay Ward vein, "Oh, don't know my own strength!"

Jay Wiseman's Erotic Bondage Handbook

This is the only book we know of that is specifically and entirely written to teach erotic bondage. It's not about pain or power games (except very peripherally); it's just a thorough, detailed manual on binding and being bound. The writing style is occasionally annoying, but the info is solid and useful.

The New Topping Book, or Getting Good at Being Bad

This is a general book on all sorts of SM-related things, but we feel it is one of the best general introductions on bondage out there. If you want to start with a single book, this is an excellent one.

Consensual Sadomasochism

There's that Ess Emm word again, but even if the rest of what is lumped under that rubric doesn't appeal to you, this book is a great place to start to learn about bondage (and possibly-related activities.)

We've also collected all of our Bondage & SM related products on a single page for your browsing pleasure.