Wednesday, 25 August 2010
| 12:00 am
| Culture
This is about finding a silver lining in a cloud.
Actually, it’s about finding a big, fat vein of silver in a cloud.
In recent years, as I’ve gotten older and my body has changed, I’ve been having a harder time coming. I sometimes get stuck in the pre-orgasmic “plateau” phase of sexual arousal, and it’s harder than it used to be to push out of that and push my body over the cliff and into freefall. It always happens eventually — with the help of my trusty vibrator if nothing else — but it often takes longer than it used to, and it’s rather less reliable. I never know when it’s going to come easily, and when it’s going to kick up a fuss.
This has been, as you might expect, a source of some irritation. For many years, coming was easy as pie for me. Given a reasonably attentive partner, I could generally come within a few minutes of feeling it on the horizon. And when I was my own partner, “a few minutes” was more like “a few seconds.” If I wanted to draw a sexual experience out (alone or accompanied) and delay my orgasm to make it more intense, I had to make a conscious effort. So over the years, I got very used to being able to come more or less on demand. And when orgasms started becoming more elusive, it was a little frustrating: partly because I liked thinking of myself as easy to please, and partly for the obvious reasons.
I’ve come up with a number of strategies for dealing with this. Among other things, I’ve been exploring different kinds of sensation, re-discovering what my changing body does and doesn’t like. But there’s one strategy in particular that I’m finding especially compelling. And since I know I’m not the only person — especially the only woman — who’s dealing with this situation, I thought I’d share it with the rest of the class.
It’s the strategy of not worrying about it.
If I’m having a hard time coming, I’ll sometimes just let go of that particular goal for a while. I’ll let myself enjoy the pre-orgasmic “plateau” phase. Savor it. If I feel like I’m stuck on the edge of the cliff, I’ll let myself run alongside it for a while, and experience it for what it is.
There’s sometimes a very annoying paradox with orgasms: the harder you strain to have them, the more elusive they can become. So if I’m stuck in that loop, where trying to bring on the orgasm is just chasing it away and the effort is becoming more frustrating than pleasant, I’m learning to cut the Gordian knot. I stop tensing up and striving, and just relax; I take long, deep breaths instead of short panting ones; I stop moaning and squirming, and stay more quiet and still. I quit trying to come, and just let myself savor that “intensely turned on but not yet coming” plateau thing.
And in doing so, I’ve been finding a whole new realm of sexual pleasure.
The plateau phase is awesome. If I really sink into it, if I really let it be and lose myself in it, staying in plateau for a long time is almost like a whole other kind of climax. Like a climax in a parallel universe. It’s overwhelming in a different way: less like being hit by a wave, and more like sinking into a hot bath. Or getting a first-rate massage. Or lingering over a long, lavish, exquisitely- prepared meal. It’s a state of heightened awareness that is at once intensely focused and thoroughly relaxed.
Letting myself stay in the plateau phase also dovetails nicely into this thing I’ve been working on lately: a quasi-Zen practice of being more present in the world, being in the moment and letting things be what they are, noticing the world and loving it and letting it flow through me, instead of tuning it all out and living in the bubble of my plans and anxieties and fantasies and memories. Lingering in the plateau phase is very much a part of all this. It can create an intense and unique sense of connection, both with my partner and with myself. Instead of struggling to get from Point A to Point B, we’re letting each moment rise and fall, and thoroughly experiencing it . . . and then letting it go, to make room for the next one.
And the thing about the plateau phase? It can last for freaking ever. I don’t know how long — it’s not like I have a stopwatch in my bedside table — but it sure is longer than an orgasm. And because it can last so long, I can explore the emotions and sensations of it much more patiently, and much more thoroughly, than I can with an orgasm. Which contributes both to the “be here now” quasi-Zen thing and to the “overwhelming in a different way” thing. The drawn-out quality lets me be patient and present with what I’m experiencing . . . and it gives me time to sink into the experience, richly and deeply and all-consumingly.
And the funny thing? Doing this is actually a pretty good technique for bringing on an orgasm. The reverse of the Annoying Orgasm Paradox is also true: yes, trying to force an orgasm will often chase it away, but if you relax and stop trying to make yourself come, it’s more likely to sneak up on you. And if I’ve lingered in the plateau phase for a really long time, the orgasms I eventually have are usually way more intense.
But I can’t make that the point. Making that the point would defeat the purpose, and would catapult me straight back into the Annoying Orgasm Paradox. And anyway, I don’t want to make that the point. I want to let the plateau be its own point. The point is that the cliff is beautiful, and I want to spend some time exploring that beauty, instead of just looking for ways to hurl myself off of it.
Greta Christina, copyright © 2010. Be sure to check out Greta’s blog.
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Welcome to the Tuesday Tweet Roundup! This is a collection of a few of our favorite or most popular recent tweets for the Twitterphobic, with extra commentary for those who read them the first time around. If you’re on Twitter and would like to follow us, we’re @BlowfishTwitter.
Quite possibly the most shocking tidbit of the week for us was the reasonable take on same-sex marriage by one Glenn Beck:
Glenn Beck doesn’t think gay marriage is a threat! Wow: http://huff.to/d7cACA
No, it doesn’t sound like he’s going on any Prop. 8 protest marches with us anytime soon, but he did quote Thomas Jefferson: “If it neither breaks my leg nor picks my pocket, what difference is it to me?” It’s the best “live and let live” sentiment we’ve seen from that side in a while, and it was a nice change.
Of course, other men were busy being shocked by far, far, far more trivial things:
OMG Sasha Grey has pubes! (I call this pubic hair style “the Russian” - furry up top, smooth underneath): http://bit.ly/c5yxaw
We love that that article makes the point that it was porn that started the “bare down there” fad — a fad that’s been going on for, what, almost 30 years now? Props to Sasha Grey on both her good-natured response and the way she’s, er, beating the path to acceptance of all pubic hair styles! Hee!
In case a full bush isn’t enough to scare you, here’s something that should make most men lose sleep at night:
For male Twilight fans, they make the Succu Dry: http://bit.ly/4k5sJg
Vagina dentata, anyone?
The journal entry linked in this next tweet is well worth reading, but even more so is the moving story about one woman’s liberating discovery of sluthood that started the whole thing.
Shaming a slut-shamer: http://bit.ly/bWc2J1 (By the awesome @AmandaMarcotte)
We were kinda disappointed we didn’t get more reaction from this video by Second City Network. Very few skits make us laugh out loud and cheer at the end the way this one does:
Harriet Tubman, sexiest abolitionist (video): http://bit.ly/cbeSbl
And, for all you Street Fighter fans out there:
It’s like fanfic for your condom wrapper: http://bit.ly/bAJXz5
(And, for all you non-fans, Street Fighter is a video game where you and your opponent pick your well-built avatar and fight one another.)
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Hi,
The Ideal Rechargeable Vibrator looks like a really cool product in terms of design — but is it really as powerful as the Magic Wand?
Thanks!
- Function over Form
Hi FoF,
While we say on our website the Ideal Rechargeable Vibrator is “quite similar” to the Hitachi Magic Wand, I personally feel that by “similar” we mean “almost as powerful” as the Hitachi. It is very very close, but it doesn’t vibe quite as hard on high as the Hitachi does. Perhaps being able to draw directly from the wall has its advantages! If you use the Hitachi mostly on low, it shouldn’t be an issue at all. If a Hitachi on high barely does it for you, it’s probably best to stick with a Hitachi.
That being said, the Ideal has, of course, many other features the Hitachi doesn’t, not the least of which are the ability to play far away from outlets and the very comfortable ergonomic handle.
Ideal Rechargeable Vibrator
Hitachi Magic Wand
Hope this helps! Happy Playing!
Best,
The Blowfish Buyer
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Sunday, 22 August 2010
| 12:00 am
| News
Our Sunday Spotlight is an occasional feature here at the Blowfish Blog. We’ll tell you about one of our favorite things, places, people or events. Our goal is simply to spread the love by pointing out cool stuff.
We get a lot of questions here at Blowfish, and, when we can, we answer them. But, occasionally a question veers from a question about our products and becomes more about sex in general. That’s when we refer our customers to the experts: the good folks at San Francisco Sex Information.
For those not familiar with San Francisco Sex Information or SFSI, they’re a free source of accurate, up-to-date, non-judgmental information about all things sexual. We refer folks there because they’re staffed by some of the best-trained, most knowledgeable and dedicated folks out there. They answer questions by email or over the phone, but they also have an impressive collection of frequent questions (and their answers, of course!) on their searchable website. We love that they post real questions by real people (anonymously, naturally), because it not only provides answers for those too shy to call or email, but gives the very real sense that the question you’re asking is not something you’re going through alone.
They’re staffed by volunteers who have gone through their intense-but-awesome training programs. Spread out over two months, these weekend classes provide their students with 57 hours of human sexuality training. They now also offer other, slightly less intense, training options as well. And, for those who just want to spend an occasional evening being educated (and entertained) about sex, their current events page lists the occasional evening events and lectures.
You can stay up to date on what’s going on at SFSI by following them on Twitter, of course, at @sfsi, or find out more (and donate, if you’re so inclined) at The San Francisco Sex Information Website.
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Dear Blowfish,
Several years ago I purchased a book from your company that was basically a first book on sex for children. I loved that book and read it to my then 10 year old daughter. She kept it for herself and read it to tatters. My youngest is now at the age that I would like to read to it to her to get the discussion started, but I can’t remember the name of the book. I’ve gone through all the books on your website and it appears that you no longer carry it. I’m hoping, however, that you remember either the name or the author. I know that it was a Blowfishies Recommends. I hope that you can remember the title or the author of the book because it really was one of the most fantastic books and I know that my older has a healthier attitude towards sex because I was able to have an open and frank conversation with her.
If by chance you aren’t sure which book I mean, any recommendation that you might have for an 8 - 10 year old would be welcome. I have never been disappointed by your recommendations.
Thank you,
Coolest Mom Ever
Hi CME,
I do indeed remember that book! It was A Kid’s First Book About Sex by Joani Blank, and it was an awesome book (it was my go-to gift for many baby showers). It was straightforward, unembarrassed about the topic, and had cute, simple illustrations to keep the kid’s interest. Unfortunately, it’s out of print and a quick google search shows that used copies are going for over $66! I’m so sorry I can’t be of more help. Here’s a link to the Amazon page for the book, in case you don’t mind spending that much:
A Kid’s First Book About Sex
In my searching, I found this page of suggested Picture Books on sex for young kids. No promises that these will all be in print, but it could be a good place to start:
Teaching Your Kids About Sex: Picture Books
If you happen to come across a new book on this topic that you think we should carry, please do write me back and let me know. I’d be glad to review it!
Hope this helps!
Best,
The Blowfish Buyer
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Friday, 20 August 2010
| 12:00 am
| News
Does red wine turn you on? Sure, a glass or three of your favorite shiraz might loosen some inhibitions, but any old alcohol will probably do that. But a [study in the Journal of Sexul Medicine] (http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1743-6109.2009.01393.x/ abstract) suggests that women who drink one or two glasses of red wine a day had higher libidos than women who didn’t. Sure, you’d expect that women who have a glass or two every evening would feel more like sex than a complete non-drinker, but women who drank alcohol other than red wine showed lower libido levels than their tannin-loving counterparts. The team of doctors who conducted this study suggested this may be due to “chemical compounds found in red wine … improve sexual functioning by increasing blood flow to key areas of the body.”
It doesn’t stop there. According to a study by Australian Dr. Max Lake, an MD and vintner, the scent of a glass of red wine is similar to the smell of the male human pheromone. And, if a spicy cabernet turns women on by emulating the smell of a man, apparently Champagne holds the scent of a woman that can turn a man on.
This notion, that it’s the aroma of the wine itself that is causing arousal, has many, many proponents. So, the next time you raise a glass of that expensive bottle of Pinot, be sure to take a nice big breath with your nose in the glass. It might just help make the night as special as the wine.
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Welcome to the Tuesday Tweet Roundup! This is a collection of a few of our favorite or most popular recent tweets for the Twitterphobic, with extra commentary for those who read them the first time around. If you’re on Twitter and would like to follow us, we’re @BlowfishTwitter.
It was a beautiful week, what with Chief U.S. District Judge Vaugh Walker overturning Prop. 8. One of our favorite tributes on the web was this photo gallery of wedding shots over at Boston.com:
This is what love looks like - Boston.com http://ht.ly/2lLyn (via @DrRuthie)
Of course, it was not all fun and games. Over at AAGblog.com her post on a… questionable “medical” device drew a troll. The post is good, appropriately ripping asunder a device that purports to cure all sorts of diseases by stripping the walls of the vagina. Youch! But it’s in the last two comment threads (#16 and #17) that it gets fun. A helpful hint for troll “Suzanna”: women don’t usually refer to other women as “you girls.” Jeesh!
Do not taunt Happy Fun Vagina Wall Peeler. http://bit.ly/c6ic8f
You guys clearly love real women, as much as we do:
Lane Bryant pokes fun at Victoria’s Secret: [http://bit.ly/c6pTkl}(http://bit.ly/c6pTkl)
Nobody can resist elaborately tattooed boy bits, no matter how not safe for work they are (and, really, they are covered… in tattoo ink):
Who knew tattooed junk sold condoms? http://bit.ly/c6At35 & http://bit.ly/cs9Mhe
This naughty tea bag didn’t strike us as that (as one follower put it) “rude,” but then again, we’re really really really used to being around all sorts of depictions of the human anatomy, especially those sorts of bits:
The perfect pick-me-up when teabaggers got you down: http://bit.ly/bHY48D
Who doesn’t love steampunk… well, steampunk anything, but especially steampunk porn? You all drooled over these ray-gun dildos & vibrators as much a we did. Do be sure to click around and read the backstory/ descriptions of the items. Two fins up for Lady Clankinton!
Now you don’t have to read steampunk porn. You can be it … http://bit.ly/berJWv (via @Richard_Kadrey)
If you didn’t click on this link to a print ad for a New Zealand sex shop, oh, you’re missing out. Subtle, but hilarious. And fairly safe for work — there is a naughty word or two on the page, in fairly big font. But, seriously, it’ll put a big smile on your face, too:
This print ad for a New Zealand sex shop has us smiling, too: http://bit.ly/bZYTgS
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